The need for gratitude

There was a time in my life where we were very poor. My mother kicked my abusive father out of the house which gave us peace and safety, but little money. She had the courage (a topic of another day) to do this, while knowing she had no source of income on her own, and the responsibility of raising four children. Two of us also had very serious medical issues. I have been forever grateful for her standing up for us and doing what was right to protect us despite the consequences.  

As a result of this, at low points we didn’t have much food. We had our phone cut off. We didn’t have cable. There was no consumer internet at that point and WIFI hadn’t even been invented. To top our struggles off, there were times when we did not have heat. Back then, and still now in too many places, our heat was via an oil-fired furnace. Unlike your car, you couldn’t just go and get a partial fill up, like we did sometimes by putting a few dollars worth of gas in the car. It was all or nothing which was too big of a hill to climb for us at these points. It was also winter in Newfoundland, where I grew up. Now in terms of the coldest parts of Canada, there are surely worse places to be without heat. But it was cold for us and very miserable, especially compared to the relatively mild winters we have here in my part of British Columbia.

Our hometown, St. John’s, Newfoundland and Labrador, Canada.

In our house, we had one room that had an electric baseboard heater. We fortunately still had electricity. This room was our den in the basement. Mom, being very creative and adaptable, nailed up a heavy blanket to trap the heat in the part of the room by the heater and stated that we would live there to keep warm. She told me that it’s great to have a cozy room that is warm and a nice place to read. Then once bedtime arrived, we’d go to our bedrooms and sleep under piles of blankets.

Throughout these and many other hardships, my mother remained positive and encouraging. Her secret, I think, was her reliance on gratitude. She knew things could be worse than what we had at the time. But she also appreciated that she and her children were now safer at home, and she found ways to bring us cheer and share her sense of gratitude.

An example of her finding gratitude in our day to day lives was a little tradition she and I had. It could be the coldest part of the winter and she’d ask me if I’d like to get a cone from Dairy Queen. She had this twinkle of mischievousness in her eyes that was so endearing in times like this. Our local Dairy Queen usually heavily discounted ice cream products in the winter, and especially in January. I would readily agree, and we would start our search for money to go as if it was some big, exciting adventure. We’d check jackets, the cushions under chairs and couches, and finally around the car. When we found enough pennies, nickels, and bits of change we’d set off for the short ride in our car.

Our car was an old rusted out Chrysler sedan. But that was okay, because my mother would say, it’s better than walking! We didn’t have snow tires either so going out in the snow was always an adventure. But she didn’t complain, she was grateful for what we had, and coaxed the best out of our little car. If her life was different, she would have been a very famous champion on the Japanese drifting circuit, if they put some ice on the track.

We’d laugh all the way to the Dairy Queen and get our cones. The drive thru person would dutifully count out the pile of change she handed over. My mother would always say, “they must think we’re crazy and are probably back there trying to get the machine to work in the cold!” and get me laughing some more. We’d park the car and eat the cones in the cold and if we had enough money, they would be two large chocolate dipped cones. The cold would make the chocolate into an instant plate of armor that required a precise approach to eating as to not to drop and waste anything. Each bite was precious and appreciated.

I know in quiet times she would worry about how we’d make it. I’d sometimes hear her crying in her room at night. My father was not always a predictable source of child support and would lash out when he could. But we managed through the tough times and in the end, things were not more difficult than we could bear. I think my mother’s sense of gratitude had a big impact in helping us and herself handle these times.

I read recently that feelings of gratitude cannot exist in the same space as negative feelings. As I look at my life, I can see how this is true. I’ve been studying and practicing mindfulness and have found that gratitude is integral to that experience. Mindfulness can be had in any place and at any time and it’s not just reserved for the well off or the healthy and better abled.

I grew up with very poor vision, because of the rare disease I have. There wasn’t much that could be done due to risk complications including total blindness, and so I adapted to this reality of limited sight. I remember an old well experienced Ophthalmologist consoling me and telling me softly that I should be grateful for what vision I had as many had it worse. He was trying to prepare me for what was expected at the time with my disease: a real chance of losing the rest of my sight.

Despite this risk, something amazing happened in my thirties. My vision improved. I’ll leave the details to another day, but finally, in my one “good” eye I could see clearly beyond my previous limited vision. I could read a book without having to nearly press it into my face. I could see the trees, and their beautiful textures and ranges of colours. I could see the mountains off into the distance and I could finally fully appreciate the delicate beauty and expressions of my wife’s kind hazel eyes.

This was for me a miracle and a dramatic shift. When it happened, I decided to commit myself to appreciate the new world I could now see. For the most part I’ve done this. Sometimes I drive people crazy because I’m always reading store signs when we drive by them. Or ask what kind of tree something was. I still remember the first time I saw a rainstorm in the distance. I know medically I could eventually lose my vision, so I try to be grateful every day for what I have.

My challenge to myself, and to my friends reading this, is to try to appreciate and be grateful for not just the big things in your life, but as much as you can. Think about and savor each bite of food. Slow down and look at bits of nature you see as you commute to work or go to the store. You will find beauty to be grateful for everywhere. You’ll start to understand all the little things in your life that make it better and begin to truly appreciate them. Take a moment and thank those around you for their help and kindness. Keep this spirit of gratitude in your heart, and you’ll find that it’ll help make you a better person.

I’m grateful for my mother for showing me the importance of gratitude, and not just in the easy times. I’m grateful for all that she has done for me. She was my steadfast advocate as we navigated my many health issues, and she showed me by her everyday actions what it means to be good and kind. She believed in me when no one else did. As an example of her everyday gratitude and kindness, she recently thanked the hospital chaplain for his service by quoting Jesus Christ, from Matthew 25:40 and acknowledging that his service to her was as if he was doing it the Saviour himself.

…”Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”

My wish is that our gratitude will ease the burden of the trials we face and open our hearts to kindness and the desire to help others. I have found that as you help others you help yourself increase your own sense of gratitude. I am grateful for your friendship and the time you took today to read this.

Thank you mom, I love you.