A dream in two parts
Trigger warning: death, trauma
This is not the type of thing I normally write or share. It’s based on a dream I had recently that was incredibly vivid and meaningful. I have read that in our dreams our minds try to solve problems that we carry with us. I think this is one of those cases where a dream has deeply affected me.
Our life consists of many choices. I have strived to do the right thing as often as I can and yet I have made many mistakes. When faced with important decisions I try to think things through, pray, and then trust in what I decide. My decision to leave home and serve my mission changed the course of my life for the better in so many ways. The most obvious impact is that I didn’t die of an aortic dissection, as that would have surely happened if I never left home.
I struggle with past traumas and mistakes, but intellectually I know it is pointless to look backwards and wish things were different. Instead, I try to look forwards and learn from my mistakes and try to live a better life. I’m not at the point of “non, je ne regrette rien” but instead I am trying to work to limit any future regrets.
I had a dream the other night and it came in two parts.
The first dream showed me an alternate life based on the choice I didn't make.
I didn't leave home, and my life wasn't saved.
Instead, I was there on a sunny day in spring.
We were at church. I started to cough so I stepped outside.
At the steps I could see happy friends heading in as my world started closing in.
I cough again and blood painted the concrete steps.
I fell to my knees as my body weakened.
A rush of panic hit those nearby.
I gasped, get my mother, she's inside.
I coughed again and fell to the ground.
I couldn't keep the blood down.
My mother rushed out with fear in her eyes.
She said I couldn't do this. We agreed that she'd keep me alive until it was her time to go.
No parent should outlive their child, as she told me many times before.
I'm sorry mom, I plead, as more blood comes, and things go dark.
My last moments were of her, her love fighting for me as her world shattered.
It was then that the scene changed. It was my time as it is now.
I watched her die. She said it was coming but had rallied and this was a terrible surprise.
Then forward at home, sometime later. She comes through the door.
Mom, how are you here? I saw you die.
Shane, I died but I am not dead.
I'm here for you again, just as I said.